GAH! Fall Break is almost over :'( That makes me sad. And I have the PSAT tomorrow. . .which totally sucks. Actually, it wouldn't suck so hard if I was actually prepared for it. Seeing as I'm not, it's going to suck. I might try and study a bit more, but I'll probably just end up playing Donkey Kong 64 until one in the morning like I have been doing.
Yea, I'm old school. I've also gotten addicted to Pokemon Puzzle League. It's unhealthy, sure, but I don't care. Tommy's all the way down in Mississippi taking care of family business, so I'm all lonely up here in Tennessee.
Speaking of Tommy, I have a song stuck in my head that really makes me think of him. Actually, there's only a few lines, but they really stand out.
'Colorado Sunrise' by 3OH!3
And if I had something to say to you, I'd whisper it softly,
kiss you on your rosey lips and never let you off me.
Shiver on your roof and see your face lit by starlight,
hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise.
I've got five fingers on each hand for every mistake that I've made
'cause my tongue is tied to tonsles, and I need to shit and shave.
I'm a shade too pale for handsome and have habits I can't shake,
and if you try to take that from me, well, I'll never be the same
trainwreck that I am
and I am what I am what I am
a trainwreck, that I am
and I am what I am what I am
a trainwreck
and as long as it's okay with you, I think I'll stay right here.
I got no where to go 'cause where to go is up to you, dear.
Happy as a clam, I see the glimmer in your eyes.
Hold you through the night and watch that Colorado sunrise.
Obviously, there's no Colorado sunrises in Tennessee, but I was born in Colorado, so that counts, right?
In my head it does.
Oh! And my mother introduced me to the most awesome web comic EVER. The older ones are the best, but I think they're all pretty sweet. It's called Buttercup Festival, and you should start reading it! Here are some of my favorites:
And so on and so forth. Go read some more of it!
Ah. . .I don't want to take the PSAT tomorrow. I wanted to, but now I'm not so sure. I don't think I'd be so apprehensive about it if I could see Tommy afterwards, but he's away, so I can't :(
To make myself feel less horrible about his not being here, I was going to go to the movies with Cat, Greg, Dustin, and some other peeps, but, alas, my parents were like 'NOOOO! You can't go out at all the night before taking the PSAT!'
Which made me angry, seeing as I won 1st place at the French competition in middle school after staying up until midnight. I think I can take a PSAT test and do decently. Ah well. . . I thought I could handle Tommy being gone for the weekend, and I guess since I haven't killed myself, I've been handling it pretty well, but it leaves me in such a blah mood. . .
It doesn't help that it's friggin' freezing outside, which means it's friggin' freezing inside, because my dad refuses to turn on the heat. The jerk.
He really is a jerk. Honest to God. It isn't just me being an angsty teenager. It's him treating me like total crap, and then trying to pass it off like he's being funny, when he really isn't that funny.
I
So, today has been alright, I guess.
I don't like derivatives at all.
The rest of the day went alright. I got checked out of third period, so I could go to my orthodontist appointment. Good news on that front! Dr. Weiss was looking at my teeth today, and he was like "Hmm. . .okay. We're going to try to move that side over a little more. We might not be able to though.", and I was like "Really?", and he was like "Yea. No rubber bands this time."
SO, I might actually be getting my braces off soon which would be AMAZING!
Totally :)
Hmmm. . .the last time I saw Tommy was Monday, and I already miss him, like, SUPER incredibly.
I would have asked him to come over today, but mi familia y yo are going out to dinner for my brother's birthday.
But, man, do I want to see him. . .maybe I can convince him to pick me up tomorrow.
Nah. . . I couldn't do that to him. I don't know how long we're going to be filming the Halloween show.
That's what I'm doing tomorrow; Kayla, Audrey, Cat, J.W., Dustin, and I are going to film the Halloween bits that we're going to put in between parts of the Homecoming show.
It was driving me INSANE, because I've been talking about this for about two weeks now, and when I tried to SERIOUSLY organize everything last class, everyone had to jump in with their own ideas. I was like "CHA RIGHT".
So I just got together my buddies, and we're going to get this thing DONE tomorrow, after school.
It's going to be a blasty-blast!
But I really want to see Tommy. . .maybe Friday.
Friday would be freakin' sweet! Maybe he can even spend the night ; )
My parents would murder me. Murder me before him.
I think we're leaving soon, so I better go get mis zapatillas on.
Love youz guyz <3
Okay, yea, I know. I slack off on doing blogs even when I say that I'm going to start doing them more often. I know! I know! I'm sorry! Lo siento! I just get distracted what with my boyfriend, school, and extracurricular activities!
But because I'm a teenage girl, I want to talk about my boyfriend mostly :D
Tommy and I are going fantastically well! At least, I think so. Eleven more days and we'll have been together for six months! w00t! Of course, if you add up ALL the time we've been together, we've already been together a full year, but this is all in a row! Hurray!!! It makes me happy everytime I think about that :) I seriously freakin' love that guy. I mean, FORREAL. He is mondo amazing. I don't even know if mondo is a word. . .he's WUMBO amazing <333
I mean, for the past few weeks we've been getting into little arguments, because he thinks that I'm going to leave him and I'm all like "WHA?!?!" I know he has trust issues, not just with me because I screwed everything up before, but with other girls. But it's just like "ARGH!! SO HELP ME YOU'RE BEING SENT BACK TO NORWAY!"
Don't get me wrong, I will ALWAYS assure him that I'm here to stay, but it's just so weird. Before and a little bit at the beginning of this stint of dating, I was the one who always thought that he was going to leave me soon enough, and that it was just a matter of time. I remember laying behind him on the couch, hands pressed to his back, and I couldn't help myself; I just started crying. I was fine one minute, and then the though ran through my head that "this is too perfect" and then I realized that we had been dating something like three months at the time. I guess I scared myself into thinking like we were overdue for a breakup or something.
But God, as soon as he realized that I was crying, he turned right over and just started talking. It was so incredibly sweet that I just ended up crying more, which didn't help. But he lay there with me the whole time. And talked to me.
Just another reason why there's no way that I'm going to leave me for another guy. I love the one I have way too damn much :) I'm still kind of reluctant to talk about EVERYTHING that goes on in my life with him, not because I have something to hide, but because I don't want to bore him or say something that he's going to be like "Oh. .. she thinks this way about that? That's certainly not attractive. Faggots."
I don't know. I guess I just worry too much. I know I'm an anxious person to begin with, but it's just like "WOAH! crazeh ANXIETY about st00pid thingsssssz!!!!13" sometimes. Besides the fact that I'm terrified of him breaking up with me. It's gotten to the point where, before he says something like "I'm not happy with the way you ______", he has to say "I'm not going to break up with you over it, but I'm not happy with the way you ______".
All I know for sure is that he BETTER stick around, because I already picked a name that I like for a boy. Like, I ACTUALLY like, not one that I'm like "Eeeehhhhh, it's alright."
ROY! I REALLY like the name Roy now.
Imagine it!
Roy Lee Walker.
Me gusta :)
Wow, I really haven't made a blog in a LONG time. I didn't check the date, but it had to be just after the ACT back in JUNE. Jesus, I really need to hope on this!
It's weird; I have a LOT of material to blog about, but it's nothing I really WANT to talk about. I mean, life's been going REALLY well lately! Tommy and I have been going smoothly, I finally have my classes the way I want them (though I still REALLY hate ACT Prep), and there's nothing going horribly wrong just yet!
Vida es muy buena :)
And I just can't express how happy I am that I have an amazing boyfriend and great friends.
I honestly was afraid for this coming year. I mean, I figured that, by this point, Tommy would have already been wanting to break up with me, but we have a better relationship now than what we started with. Like any couple, we've had our bumpy moments. For instance, since school started we haven't been able to spend as much time with each other which we expected. But the other night, we talked about how we could feel that sort of seperation. And, understandably, Tommy doesn't trust me 100% after the whole Fred-thing. Not that he thinks I'm going to run off with another guy per say, but that I could lose interest him at any point in time. And, as I'm sure that most of you that go to school with me know, I think about him ALL THE TIME when I'm at school. I mention him whenever I get the chance! If someone mentions horses, the first thing out of my mouth is 'My boyfriend, Tommy, used to do speed classes.' and then they say 'Tommy who?' and I reply with a modest smile and 'Oh, he's already graduated.'
There's no way I could possibly want to be with anyone else.
I think the main reason why the Fred-thing even occured was because, at the time, Tommy was starting to work at dispatch and we really didn't see each other that much, which I didn't really mind that much since I was busy with school too.
What bothered me was that whenever we got off the phone with each other, we didn't exchange "I love you"s. Looking back, it was such a minor thing, but since we weren't talking that much or seeing much of each other, it was big to me. And I didn't want to ask about it since I was so terrified of losing him once more because I had no idea if it was a touchy subject or not. I guess what was running through my mind was 'What if he doesn't say 'I love you.' because he doesn't love me? I don't him to think I'm a moron for wondering why he doesn't love me.'
Woah.
I just had an epiphany.
I have to talk to Tommy ASAP.
I just figured out the answer to his question.
Oh my God.
I'll finish this blog later.
ACT scores came out today!
DRUM ROLL PLEASE!
I received a 34 in English!
A 34 in Reading!
A 26 in Mathematics!
And a 25 in Science!
As a result, my composite score is 30!
Applause please!
Wow.
I'm happy with that.
In other news, I have a case of swimmers ear, so my hearing is muffled and my head hurts something bad.
I have mucus leaking down the back of my throat, so I've been hacking all night and day.
And my mom just squeezed alcohol wipes into my ears, so I'm temporarily deaf.
But I don't think I've ever been happier.
Last night I talked to Tommy for a LONG time.
I don't mean it was actually a conversation; it was more like I was talking on and on and on and he just listened.
See, when I'm getting better after feeling like complete crap, I get hyperactive and giggly and excited and just weird.
I laugh at every little thing, I talk on and on, stopping to laugh at my own terrible, terrible jokes, and just generally freak out anyone in the vicinity.
So you have to understand that it really was amazing that Tommy didn't hang up on me. I would laugh at every little thing he said and, eventually, I got started on listing reasons why I loved him so much, discussing each in great detail.
GREAT detail. I probably talked for almost 2 hours straight which, with this sore throat and crack-voice, was really a feat for me. I got up to about number 9 before he went to bed, since he has work today. And even that was at about 1 in the morning.
And I just feel fantastic because I said everything that I've always wanted to say or that I've tried to say without him stopping me. I mean, I'm always honest with him, but I've withheld some things just because I thought that 'Oh, well, he wouldn't want to hear about how much I appreciate his honesty with me.' or 'I don't want to freak him out by saying that I love the way his nose looks.'
All those little things that I save for blogs, I said last night and I feel great because of it.
I just got off the phone with him. He always calls me before he slides into work.
As most of you should know by now, he works for the Tipton County dispatch office in Covington.
Y'know, 911 and all that.
And I feel so terrible for him because he gets so frustrated because he feels like he isn't doing enough there. Like he isn't getting it as quickly as he should, y'know? He's only been there, like, a month and half though! I seriously doubt they expect him to know everything within two months of getting the job.
He keeps getting irritated when he has to ask for help on a call because he doesn't know what information he needs to get. The only way I can think around that, besides studying like crazy, would be to put yourself in shoes of the person calling. If I had just been shot, what kind of information would I feel like I need to give to 911? And then just form questions around that.
I don't know though. I feel kind of useless myself when he calls me and rants. I listen to everything he says as carefully as I can, and try to contribute some sort of comfort, but I feel like I'm doing a really crap job of it. I wish I could be more than just there for him, but I guess that's really all I can do. We've been spending every weekend with each other, talking until God knows when at night, and it's been great. He says he's enjoying all the time we're spending together and I know that it's the highlight of MY week, for sure.
GAH! I miss him so much! It's not that he doesn't talk to me or see me enough, I just miss him like hell!
All I can do during the day is think about him! The more I look back on everything we've been through, the more excited I get about what the future holds for us!
I know, it's terrible.
It's, like, all I can talk about
:D
It's back to the days when Tommy and I first started going out, but better because we've been through so much already that we know what we're doing now. In fact, I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. Let me just jaunt over to my MySpace and grab an old blog.
This one is titled 'Hello, I've Missed You Quite Terribly' from 'Here in Your Arms' by Hellogoodbye.
June 17th, 2007
"GOD I love him.
Shuddup.
I KNOW that Tommy is pretty much all I talk about in my more recent blogs, but hey, he's the highlight of my life right now.
Any doubts that I had about him have melted away quicker than the ice cream I had at Dairy Queen yesterday.
Maman and Tommy can vouche that it melted VERY quickly.
(laughs)
So yea, I s'pose I'll talk about yesterday.
'Cause it was awesome.
I don't usually go on my parents geocaching trips, since I hate bushwacking, but mostly all we did was micros.
Micros = little itsy bitsy magnet demons attached to signs that only have a tiny slip of paper inside to sign,
We did one at Chicken George's cemetery that had little toys in it.
It was a pretty neat place.
I can't remember what we left in it, but Tommy took a little Gingy toy that was in there.
(laughs)
Now he won't leave it alone.
It's his little buddy. ^_^
And the minismiths have beat their record of twelve caches in one day!
Now the bar is set at 14!
Or fifteen. I don't remember.
^_^;;;
By the way, Fred-Ah-Rickets, did you know that the cache you suggested to me in my last blog, your Lionel Booth's Folly (I think that's what it was), is the second oldest geocache in the state of Tennessee?
That is the coolest.
We were going to go get it, but it was out of the way from where we were going.
But we WILL get it.
XD
Man. . ..
(laughs) I feel like such a girl saying this, but I just have to.
After we finished geocaching for the day, we headed back to our house and Tommy hung out for a little while. Had dinner with us. Mr. Dan, Mrs. Gloria, and Daniel from down the street came over to hang out.
So, my brother and Daniel were playing some Godzilla game on the PS2 and I was behind Tommy on the couch.
I started crying.
I don't think I've ever felt more like a female. (laughs)
A moment later, I realized what thought threw me over the edge.
I had been thinking about how nice it was that Tommy actually WANTED to be where he was right now.
He wasn't forced to be there.
It was his choice.
And then one thought. . .ONE thought just. . . .
It shattered me.
I don't know WHY it did, but it did.
"If I close my eyes, when I open them again to see, he'll still be there. He isn't going anywhere, anytime soon."
And I mean, I wasn't sobbing or anything crazy like that, but I WAS crying.
I was just so happy. . ..
I felt like everything was actually going well for once.
Like, FINALLY, I'm going in the direction I want to go in.
Plus, it's nice to prove all the girls that think Tommy is just after one thing/is just using me as a jealousy ploy wrong. ^_^
Because I know that I'm not the best girl in the world.
I know I'm not the prettiest, the smartest, the funniest, the skinniest.
I know.
But it just feels so good to know that someone is okay with me just the way I am.
Dammit, now I'm going to start crying again.
:' )
(schniffle)
I hate being so hormonal this time of the month."
I think I need a moment to myself.
Well, howdy everyone! My blogging has been kind of sporadic lately, so many apologies. My summer has been going well, what with the rare family outings and the weekends with my darling dearest Tommy Walker. I honestly don't know what to start talking about! I guess I can start with my trip to the Pink Palace with my parents and siblings.
It was this past Friday we went. It was actually pretty fun! We got passes for it, so we can go anytime we want and I REALLY want to go back, just to get some good photos. There are a LOT of cool things there! Like the shrunken head that they've got, and all the stuffed animals, and the exhibits about the Victorian era.
They even had a little box with a box of puppets where you could do your own puppet show! There were curtains and EVERYTHING! I DEFINITELY want to see if I can use our family passes on other people, so I can grab some friends and make our own show! I think the dragon was my most favorite puppet that they had.
And they have a big wall dedicated to evolution! I love that line that they use on it; "Living things have changed through time."
You have no idea how much I wanted to underline the 'have' part. I have a picture of myself with the wall, but it looks pretty crappy, so I'm going to have to get another.
OH! And they had the most AWESOME looking fireplace in the actual Pink Palace part! It was friggin' huge! And it had some REALLY awesome detail! I wanted to pose with it, but my dad was already irritated with me for taking a million and one MySpace photos with the dinosaurs. One of the pictures I got of the fireplace detail looks like two gay guys.
OH! And I think my most favorite part of it all was the stuffed POLA-BAYER
I think it's absolutely adorable, even with the big scary teefies!
My sister took the picture while I posed like the goof ball I am :D
All in all, it was a good trip, I think. I hope that I can go again sometime soon.
In other news, I can't decide what I want to talk about next. I think I'm going to talk about the dream I had last night, just because it was so weird.
So, yesterday, while I was drugged up on 800mg of Ibuprofen, a dose of Sudafed, and some Benadryl, my mom, my sister, and I all watch Tokyo Godfathers. Because I'm lazy, here's some information about it from the Wikipedia article:
"One Christmas eve, three homeless people – Gin, a gruff, middle-aged hobo, Hana, an okama [he's a homosexual ex drag queen], and Miyuki, a runaway girl – discover an abandoned newborn while searching in some trash for Hana's Christmas present for Miyuki. Deposited with the baby is a note asking the finder to take good care of the unnamed baby and a bag containing clues to the parent's identity. Using pictures of the baby's parents and a club's card found in the bag, the trio set out to find the baby's parents, even though Hana wants to keep the baby since it makes him feel like a mother."
The trio gets involved with the Yakuza (Japanese mafia) and it gets really weird. It's a REALLY good movie, and if you can catch it on Ovation or at Blockbuster, I HIGHLY recommend it. The animation is fantastic and the dialogue is hilarious. A very cute movie.
Well, last night I had just the weirdest dream ever.
I committed some kind of crime against the Japanese government and refused to recant my actions, whatever they were. At some point in a huge runaway scene, where cops were following me, trying to force me to surrender, I asked Tommy to help me escape and hide out while things cooled down, but he refused. He said that he was going to give me an hour's head start before he went to the authorities to help them catch me.
Then the dream skipped a head a few years. I was wearing a bunch of different clothes: a huge overcoat, a lot of bandannas, all really dark colors. I wasn't raggedy and gross like I was homeless, but I looked like I had been traveling a lot, and hiding in alleyways while sirens echoed through and scared away the feral cats, searching for anything valuable to trade with people.
I was walking through a huge city where everything was very clean and organized. A center for government business. I had a bag of little, plastic disposable cameras with me and I was trading them to tourists. A woman came up to me and traded a hair clip for one of them. I guess I had a business kind of thing going on. Well, I walked up to a big apartment building kind of thing and saw a small group of people clustered on one park bench. There were five or six people and they all looked like scene kids. Most of them were girls and they were hanging over one of the guys, but he didn't seem to notice them. I thought they were visitors to the city and started walking up to them, but I saw that one of them looked familiar and stopped in my tracks. I saw a little tower-thing where people could walk up and get a view above the street and ran up it to see the flock better.
As I was staring at the laughing, happy troupe of friends, one of the cameras fell from my bag and smashed into the street. One of the guys looked up at me and I realized that it was Tommy. He had a hat on, but I could still see that his hair was longer and blond now. Actually, it wasn't really blond. More like dirty-lace colored. It was cut to where he had that stupid emo-swoosh thing, but he still had that same thin frame and blue eyes, so I could recognize him.
In the dream, I just smirked at him while his jaw dropped. I started walking down, like I didn't care that I saw him even though my heart was beating out of my chest. He jumped up from the bench and ran towards me from across the street, almost getting hit by a car in the process. I just stood there and smiled as he screeched to a halt in front of me. It was so incredibly sweet, like something out a movie. The girls sitting at the bench were shocked that he had left them behind for some bohemian-girl and were yelling at him to come back when he scooped me up and started spinning me around. Then he shouted at them that 'This is that girl! This is her! This is my girl!'.
Then I woke up.
I think it would make a totally awesome anime or manga. Unfortunately, I can't draw. Or write. Whatever.
Oh well!
Speaking so much of Tommy, I have to talk more about him. Sorry to all of you who are sick of hearing it, but he's such an incredible guy that I just HAVE to talk about him. That man moves me to tears sometimes. Like Sunday for instance.
We were chillin' out on the couch while Spirited Away played in the background. We started making out when my mother informed me that the neighbors were going to come over and that their son, Daniel, who is absolutely in love with me and gets mad if he sees Tommy and I kissing, would be coming over too. I was irritated because that meant that Tommy and I would have to stop messin' around.
So we sat up and just started talking about us and, somehow, I started crying. I think it was because, recently, I've started worrying about Tommy 'settling' for me. Like, he got it into his head that he HAD to find someone to spend his life with, and, because he's tired of trying to find someone, he just stuck with me, y'know? And I got so upset thinking about that possibility and about how everything is going so perfectly that I'm bound to screw it up somehow that I started crying.
God, and he's so sweet. He just sat there with me, holding me, and telling me that I had to stop crying. We were nose to nose the entire time and Daniel kept walking over to see if we were kissing. And even though he's already said it to me a million times over, he reminded me that he wasn't going to go anywhere and that he loved me for me. Of course, that just made me cry more, but oh well. It was a really sweet, loving moment between us.
I am so glad that he found me.
He's my best friend in the entire world, and I hope that I'm the same to him.
I get so excited thinking about how I very well might be the last girlfriend he has FOREVER!
MWAHAHAHA!
I noticed something though.
A lot of his 'major' girlfriend's names have the same ending sound.
'Ashlee'
'Whitney'
'Brittany'
They all have that 'ee' sound.
My name doesn't end in an 'ee' sound! It ends with an 'er' sound!
I think that's a sign :)
Along with the fact that he's an air sign (Libra) and I'm a fire sign (Aries).
Fire feeds off of air.
He's an Earth Dragon and I'm a Water Monkey, according to Chinese astrology.
We've got all the elements covered!
He's earth and air.
I'm fire and water.
Gaaaawwwwdddd. . ..I already miss him!
He only has off on weekends, so that's when we see each other and it gets harder for me to go without him each week. It drives me absolutely INSANE! Seriously. I wish I had, like, a gateway between my bedroom and his bedroom so that I could visit him every night. Just curl up next to him and fall asleep. That would be so wickedly awesome.
I mean, seriously.
I would never complain about anything ever again.
He is so odd and goofy and strange and wonderful.
For instance, I just got off the phone with him.
He was taking a smoke break and we started talking about an article on Cyanide and Happiness (www.explosm.net) about a horrid movie called 'Revamped'. I brought up 'Snakes on a Plane' because I personally think it's a stupid movie. If I was trying to assassinate someone, I think using poison or even a knife or gun would be less costly and more untraceable than a box of FRIGGIN' SNAKES.
And I told him that all the drama would NEVER happen in real life because all they would have had to do was either A) Take the plane up in altitude to make it colder, have the people put on the mask-things, and then the snakes would stop moving since they can't move that much in the cold or B) Drop the plane to 15,000, open a door, and kick out the snakes that way.
But NOOOOOO, Tommy just HAD to insist that MY idea was RIDICULOUS and that it would be easier to trace poison than a BOX OF SNAKES.
Whatever.
He's full of crap.
And THEN he had the AUDACITY to tell me that I would never win an argument against him because I give up to easily. The HELL? Just because I drop an argument because you're finished smoking doesn't mean I'm giving up Walker! Doesn't mean a damn thing!
He knows I love him though <333
forever
Gah! I can't sleep, so I changed the look of my blog and decided to make one real quick. My internet was shut off for ALL of yesterday (I only say yesterday because it's almost 3 a.m. right now) because I was playing too much on Facebook. TOTALLY gay, but whatever.
I had an orthodontist appointment today, which totally sucked and was awesome at the same time. I had to get a couple brackets (those square things on my teeth) popped off and readjusted. That means Dr. Weiss had to YANK the brackets off, the dental assistant had to grind the old paste from the brackets off my teeth, so they would be smooth again, and then they had to use these horrendous plastic pieces to keep my mouth open while they glued the new brackets on and let them dry. And let me tell you, that glue is DISGUSTING. It takes FOREVER to get that taste out! Not to mention having to deal with having my teeth polished with the force of an obese rhino.
Okay, it wasn't all THAT bad, but it still hurt. My front tooth is still sore from the trauma.
Luckily, though, I don't have to wear rubber bands for a little while! YAY!
Otherwise, the day has been pretty boring. I messed around in Photoshop a LOT, just screwing with photos and came up with some pretty neat things, like my new banner picture for this blog, along with some pictures that you can view on my Facebook of Tommy and one that's on my MySpace.
So today (yesterday) wasn't a total waste. Plus, I got to talk to the very handsome and wonderful Tommy Lee Walker! Man, I have to say, I love that man. I say that like I don't say it enough, even though I know I have. Every thing has been SO perfect lately. I mean, each of the past four weekends we've done something together. Regretfully, this was brought on by the Fred-thing, but it just makes my heart explode that he really does love me and that he really does take our relationship seriously.
I remember when we broke up the second time, and I was talking to Scott about the entire ordeal one night. Somehow, someway, the conversation got onto the topic of why Tommy didn't want to be with me anymore. I knew that, whatever it was, it would tear me up inside, but I still wanted to know. I knew that it was, in part, because I had changed as a person, which I totally understood; there was more to it though. I remember Scott telling me that Tommy had said that I took the relationship WAY too seriously.
God, that KILLED me. I didn't expect Tommy to feel the same way about the relationship that I did, but I really wasn't expecting to hear that he didn't think it was a very serious relationship.
But now it's like. .. I don't know. I REALLY don't want Tommy to feel like he's just settling for whatever he has in front of him, y'know? That whole "Well, I'm an adult now. I need to find someone to be with for the rest of my life. Oh! You'll do!" At the same time, I get all warm and tingly inside when I look at his relationship status on Facebook and it says 'Married to Taylor Smith'.
I also don't want him to feel like he has to prove anything to me. Before the Fred-thing, I WAS worried that Tommy didn't think of our relationship the same way I did. I definitely was afraid that, at any point in time, he was going to break up with me because I wasn't the girl for him anymore or because he had found someone better. When we started going out again on April 12th, I swore to myself that if he did break up with me again, I wasn't going to go into another slump and I was just going to accept it like a mature individual. Then Fred came along and he WAS there for me, but that's about all he had going for him; he was really just a good friend. I was playing with the idea of a relationship with him in my mind, but I still loved Tommy and wanted to be there for him, to be with him, hence why I decided not to pursue anything with Fred.
Fred and I only talked online during this whole time period, mind you. I mean, I saw him at graduation, but that's about it. I realized that my relationship with him was trespassing the boundaries that I had set up when I was afraid to tell Tommy that Fred didn't want him at the movies with us ('us' being Fred, Jacob, Cat, and I). That night I told Tommy everything, with some questions he wanted answered and with other various pokes and prods.
Ever since then, we've never been better. We see each other practically every weekend, he calls me on his smoke breaks at work, and we talk when he gets home.
I keep thinking though, like, what if he gets sick of me? Like, some weekend we don't hang out and he's like 'Hey. .. this is pretty awesome!', y'know? I don't know. All I really want is for him to be happy, and if I can help him do that and be happy with him, then that's what I'll do.
I really honestly do think he's the one you guys.
I know you aren't SUPPOSED to meet the person you want to marry in high school, but I'm not exactly the most average American. I have attached earlobes for Christ's sake! That is DEFINITELY not common.
He's everything I want in a man: mind, body, and soul.
Especially that voice.
OH MY GOD, that voice.
If you have not heard that man talk, you better jump on that because his voice is just OH MY GOD.
I LOVE listening to him. Morning, noon, night, whenever and for whatever reason. I just love his voice. Especially when he's tired and half-asleep. Jesus. That's the best. God, and he's sexy when he's sleeping. Anytime he comes over and he and I are just sitting on the couch, I'll play with his hair and rub his back just to see if he'll go to sleep.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
He is so incredibly handsome.
Those lips.
Those eyes.
His cheekbones.
That nose!
I love his nose <3333
That might sound weird, but I don't care.
I don't care what anyone has to say about him anymore.
I will stick up for him until the day I die.
See, it's kind of creepy though.
I've gotten to the point where I'm trying to decide which sounds better:
Tommy, if you're reading this right now, I apologize for either freaking you out or giving you a huge boner.
One of the two :D
I know that if YOU made a bunch of blogs detailing your love for me, I'd have to change my panties pronto before they stained. Unfortunately, you'd never do that because you can be such a lazy ass sometimes. XD
Well, I better get to bed.
<3!
WOW, so I haven't posted a blog in, God, forever. I mean, it's seriously ridiculous. Since school ended, I haven't posted a blog! I can't believe myself! Well, I guess I'll start off by posting my final grades for my sophomore year! In no particular order:
Spanish 2 - A!
Theatre Arts - A!
PreCalculus - B :[
World History - A!
Document Layout & Design - A!
Chemistry - A!
English 2 CP - A!
Then I had two other computer classes that I got an A in, so I ended up with ONE B for the year.
And, as I knew it would be, it was in PreCalculus. It doesn't bother me one bit though. Next year should be easier when it comes to math. I've heard that Calculus is WAAAAY easier.
On to what I REALLY want to talk about: this past weekend. It was so much awesomeness that I am not even kidding.
I think it was Tuesday when I found out that my grandparents said that they were going to come into town and visit for the weekend. I asked Tommy if he would come over and meet them (mostly my grandma because she was irritated that he met my dad's dad and not her). Of course, wanting to avoid conflict, awkward questions, and the 'talk' for like the millionth time, Tommy really didn't want to come over and I totally understood that. Not happy about that, my grandma promised not to say anything rude or embarrassing to him and he conceded to come over, giving a fair warning that if she DID say something, he would DEFINITELY say something right back.
Well, Saturday I had the ACT. I know I did really well on the English section and I think I did really well on the Reading section, but I'm not as confident on the Math and Science section. I don't know. It went okay, I suppose, and now I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping I did well. I saw a few people there, like Scott the Hair Ninja, Teresa the Bloggerette Extraordinarie, Mrs. Gross my PreCalculus teacher, and Jacob the Gheiwad, so I didn't feel so very alone.
Because he loves me so very much and I didn't want to talk to my dad after the test, Tommy picked me up from Brighton High and we headed back to my house, so he could meet the grandparents. Oh my GOD, I was so scared, you guys have NO idea! I mean, I love my grandma, but she has a habit of just saying whatever pops into her head without wondering if anyone would be offended or anything, so I was terrified that either he was going to end up upset because she's psychotic or she was going to end up upset because he was going to get in her face and tell her what's what. I was nervous as hell.
Everything went off without a hitch. My Grandma loves him. My Pawpaw loves him. It's just amazing.
From shooting with my dad and Pawpaw to napping on the couch with me to playing pirates (y'know that dice game in Pirates of the Caribbean? Yea, my family plays it) with my entire family (2:3 Tommy Lee!), Tommy is just so absolutely perfect.
He fits into my family PERFECTLY. It's scary how well it works. Hell, even our dog, Sabrina, barks at EVERYONE that walks into our house, including us, but NEVER at Tommy. I'm not exactly a family-oriented person, so even if my parents didn't absolutely adore him, I would still be with him, but it really does help that he's welcome in my family.
And for those of you that STILL think that Tommy and I shouldn't be together or that you want me to be with Fred or if you ARE Fred, screw you. The ONLY people that have seen Tommy and I together, as a couple, in real life are Rachel, Charlsea, Danielle, and my family. We're in love with each other and we're going to be together for a VERY long time, probably the rest of our lives. Those of you that disagree, keep it to yourself because I REALLY don't give a damn. For those of you that think that you know what Tommy's like, stuff it because you have no idea. I know Fred is butthurt because I don't want to be with him, but I don't care. I am absolutely in love with Tommy.
People that say that he doesn't know how to treat his girlfriends, but he knows exactly how to treat me. He's so incredibly sweet and romantic, but most people are too dumb and concerned with what they heard that they don't believe me. Whatever, I don't care. I'm not going to listen to retards that insist on acting like they know what they're talking about when they say that Tommy doesn't really love me or that he won't stay with me for much longer.
I've got a good feeling that we're going to be together for the rest of our lives. There's no reason for us NOT to be.
JESUS.
Last night, on the phone, that was what really tore me up. I mean, I was crying while he was talking. Not sobbing or anything, but I couldn't help but smile and tear up. He was half asleep and we were talking about everything and anything. Just, whatever. But every once in awhile he would always bring it back to our relationship and how much he loves me.
And, oh my gawsh, the most adorable thing that got me to start crying was just OH MY GAWSH.
We were just talking and he was like 'Well, I bet you don't even remember where our first kiss was.' and I just smiled to myself and I said 'Yea, I do. It was in my living room, on the recliner on June 5th, 2007, the day we started going out.' and he was quiet for a minute and said 'Good girl.'
I will ALWAYS remember that day. I will ALWAYS remember that first kiss. I will ALWAYS remember the first time I hugged him. The first hug was in Algebra 2 lab. Tommy had taken something of mine, probably my black pen that he KEPT ANYWAY, and he grinned and teased me. 'You can't have it back unless you hug me!', so I gave him a big hug while trying to reach into his back pocket to get the pen back. That was back when he wore that green and black striped jacket too. . .man.
He really is the most wonderful man in the world to me. I will never find anyone better for me. And anyone that wants to disagree or try and dissuade me, shut up. I love him, he loves me, and, one day, after I've graduated from high school and moved past all this drama, I will be:
Mrs. Lauren Taylor Walker
We might have had our problems, but I'm young. Young people screw up, but I'm done screwing up our relationship. I know that as long as he and I are honest with each other, we'll be just fine. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that I would need anything more than utter perfection.
My life with him is wonderful now and it's going to be GODLY once I'm finally out from under my parents and on my own. Well, not necessarily on my own, but free from my parents :]
Sure, our relationship won't stay the same for the rest of our lives, but it will always be good so long as I can remember that he is the most understanding person in the world.
My family loves him, people that have seen us together know that we love each other and can see that we make a great couple. Go ahead and think that I'm ridiculous for loving him and staying with him, but I know that I'm happy and that you're probably just jealous that you don't have someone to talk to until one in the morning when you're voice starts cracking and you don't even remember what you said two sentences back. You don't have someone who will be an incredibly naughty lover-boy and then, the next second, the most doofy hopeless romantic. You have nothing that will ever compare the wonderful perfection that is my boyfriend, Tommy.
We are SO engaged to be engaged <3333
I just love everything about him!
I mean, his lean and slender stature.
His hazel-freckled blue eyes.
That voice, oh my god, like muffled thunder.
His big, warm hands.
The way he falls asleep when I run my fingers through his hair or rub his back.
The way he talks, the words and phrases he uses, including the stuff he makes up.
How he loves my family.
How he loves me.
It's times like these that I start missing him more than anything.
When I wish that I had said yes when he first started asking me to the movies.
Oh well.
I'll make it up to him by staying by his side for the rest of his life.
And by bearing however many children he wants.
Whether it's 1 or 25, I'll carry 'em all for him : ]
I'll take care of his pets and 'attempt' to cook when he's sick and incapable.
I'll be the one in his bed every night, rubbing his back, fingers running through his hair to make him go to sleep.
We'll fight, I'm sure, but we'll always love each other.
And that's that.
<3333333333333333333333333333333
This blog is dedicated to Mr. Corwyn Cullum for his birthday which was forever ago, but I told him I would make a blog of birthday-ness for him and I am! So there! I will be making another blog after this to give an update on myself.
ANYWAYZ. . . .
And now for the dancing girls :]
SORRY FOR THIS BEING SO INCREDIBLY LATE MAN.
AND IF YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED, LET ME KNOW
AND I WILL TOTALLY MAKE IT UP TO YOU
SERIOUSLY MAN
FOR REAL
^o^
Wow, so yesterday was a LOT of fun!
Tommy has weekends off, and after this whole Fred thing, he wanted to show me that he wants to be there for me, that he wants to stay with me, so we went to Wolfchase and hung out before seeing Iron Man.
If you don't know about the whole Fred-thing, then let me fill you in;
Tommy started working for the Tipton County dispatch office a couple weeks ago. He works from about 1:30 in the afternoon until 9:30 at night, five days a week (so he has weekends off). Obviously, this doesn't leave a lot of room for a personal life. We talk on the phone whenever we get the chance, but we haven't been able to see that much of each other since he got the job. Even before he had his job, I had school going on, so we didn't see each other that much then either.
Recently, Fred revealed that he liked me. We started talking and I kind of had him set up as a back-up boyfriend. Basically, if something happened with Tommy and I (which, at the time, I was already trying to get the guts up to face AGAIN, since I was almost positive something was going to go wrong), then I would get with Fred. He's a cool guy and I had everyone telling me that it would be a smart couple, and he WOULD be there for me.
Eventually, I told Tommy. It wasn't until then that I realized what I had been doing. As many relationships as he's been in, he managed to guess exactly what was going through my head.
Last night, when he was driving me home, we were talking about the whole thing. Tommy told me that was going to break up with me as soon as he found out, but he realized after thinking on it that it was partly his fault too. He wasn't there for me, and he wants to change that. He has this job set up, school's out, and we love each other. Why shouldn't it work out?
And I swear, if I could replay anything from yesterday, over and over again, it would be that car ride home.
A Djarum cigarette hanging from his lips, the smoke perfuming everything before being swept out the window into the heavy, warm air outside. The sky a purpled navy, the trees a charcoaled green. Fog drifting and settling on the road, wrapping everything in a thin veil of grey. His voice as deep and dark as a thunderstorm washing over me as I wrap my arm around his. Part of me afraid that I'd get so lost in that voice that I would fall asleep and not wake up. My head resting against his shoulder, apologizing for everything I'd done. Him reassuring me that it wasn't all my fault, that I'm young, that I would make mistakes. Telling me he wants to stay with me for as long as possible if I would just be patient. His hands resting at the bottom of the steering wheel, letting me run my hand up and down his arm. My lips on his shoulder. His lips on my forehead.
It was that moment that I realized that I wouldn't, I couldn't, give him up for anything.
