Wow, so yesterday was a LOT of fun!
Tommy has weekends off, and after this whole Fred thing, he wanted to show me that he wants to be there for me, that he wants to stay with me, so we went to Wolfchase and hung out before seeing Iron Man.
If you don't know about the whole Fred-thing, then let me fill you in;
Tommy started working for the Tipton County dispatch office a couple weeks ago. He works from about 1:30 in the afternoon until 9:30 at night, five days a week (so he has weekends off). Obviously, this doesn't leave a lot of room for a personal life. We talk on the phone whenever we get the chance, but we haven't been able to see that much of each other since he got the job. Even before he had his job, I had school going on, so we didn't see each other that much then either.
Recently, Fred revealed that he liked me. We started talking and I kind of had him set up as a back-up boyfriend. Basically, if something happened with Tommy and I (which, at the time, I was already trying to get the guts up to face AGAIN, since I was almost positive something was going to go wrong), then I would get with Fred. He's a cool guy and I had everyone telling me that it would be a smart couple, and he WOULD be there for me.
Eventually, I told Tommy. It wasn't until then that I realized what I had been doing. As many relationships as he's been in, he managed to guess exactly what was going through my head.
Last night, when he was driving me home, we were talking about the whole thing. Tommy told me that was going to break up with me as soon as he found out, but he realized after thinking on it that it was partly his fault too. He wasn't there for me, and he wants to change that. He has this job set up, school's out, and we love each other. Why shouldn't it work out?
And I swear, if I could replay anything from yesterday, over and over again, it would be that car ride home.
A Djarum cigarette hanging from his lips, the smoke perfuming everything before being swept out the window into the heavy, warm air outside. The sky a purpled navy, the trees a charcoaled green. Fog drifting and settling on the road, wrapping everything in a thin veil of grey. His voice as deep and dark as a thunderstorm washing over me as I wrap my arm around his. Part of me afraid that I'd get so lost in that voice that I would fall asleep and not wake up. My head resting against his shoulder, apologizing for everything I'd done. Him reassuring me that it wasn't all my fault, that I'm young, that I would make mistakes. Telling me he wants to stay with me for as long as possible if I would just be patient. His hands resting at the bottom of the steering wheel, letting me run my hand up and down his arm. My lips on his shoulder. His lips on my forehead.
It was that moment that I realized that I wouldn't, I couldn't, give him up for anything.
Well, today was the last day of school!
I expected it to go out with more of a bang than it did. In middle and elementary school, that last day of school was like Christmas. Everyone was buzzing around, everyone was excited, everyone was ready to go. And I think there was more of that my freshman year, but this year it was just sort of like 'Oh, FINALLY.'
Nothing really to celebrate, just sort of like 'UMPH'
But it's done and that's all that matters to me.
I had my Chemistry final and my PreCalculus final today. Chemistry was pretty easy. I ended up with a 98 with the curve, I think. Some of it I guessed on, but whatever. I hated that class.
Now, PreCalculus, on the other hand, kicked. my. ass.
There were 17 questions on that thing. Four of them were sequences. I didn't do them the way she wanted them. They're all wrong. That's a 76 right there. Two of them I couldn't finish because I didn't have enough time. That's a 65, if I got everything else right. I had a 92 for the year average before the exam. . . with the exam, if got a 65, I'd have an 87. It's a low B, but a B all the same. I would be okay with that, I guess. I mean, I'd still pass the class even if I got a 0 on the test, but I'd like to try and do well, so I can possibly make it into the top 10 before the end of high school.
Whatever. I don't care anymore.
I'm done with my sophomore year, so I'm happy.
And I've been rather inspired lately; I don't know why.
Like, I started writing a poem on the bus today.
The title is 'Half Past Late' and here's what I have so far:
it's a hot night.
as the ceiling fan spins and shifts the heavy, hot, stagnant air
it buzzes and hums away the time
like a clock that doesn't know it's supposed to stop
(or even when for that matter)
a voice smattered with darkness
hoarse from nothing, wispy from having nothing to say
casual conversation as the ceiling fan whispers that it's midnight
it's still incredibly hot.
sweaty blankets kicked off, then pulled back, thrown away, pulled back
trapped in a tried and true cycle
always retracted and put back in their place
face buried in a pillow
a piece of stray cotton caught in my braces
And that's all I got s'far.
I'm bored.
OH, and this is for ma home girl ELLIE:
You know I love you <33333333333333333
Well, we finished painting Mrs. Zumwault's room today.
I took my Spanish and Theatre Arts exams. I KNOW I missed two on the Spanish test, but I remembered most of my essay, so I think I'm okay for the class. I finished Theatre Arts with a 94 A, thank GOD.
All I have left is my Chemistry and PreCalculus exam.
Neither of which will be fun. I REALLY need to study tonight or I am so screwed.
Mostly, I'm doing this blog because I wrote a poem today in Spanish after I finished the test.
I think it's pretty good. I was thinking about the Fred-thing, scrawled out a line and just kept going.
Sort of pushing my pencil across the page, forcing SOMETHING out.
So, anyway. . . .
"Señora Ave"
by L. Taylor Smith 
I could be a bird.
I could sail on spans of feathers,
no longer tethered to the Earth.
I could wing it and wring my way,
twirling a ring around the Earth.
I could build a bastion of twigs and leaves
and sieve for fruits of the Earth.
And I could raise little chicks,
teach them all the tricks to living on this Earth.
But, and save the squawking and balking,
I'm perfectly fine with walking.
Although most poetry is up for interpretation, and I encourage you to take from it what you will, the lines in this poem really do have a specific meaning. In fact, the first and last lines contain very obvious, very CLEVER puns.
At least, clever in my book.
And, if you get them, good on ya!
If you get the whole thing, SUPER-KUDOS!
That's pretty much all I wanted to say.
Besides the fact that I don't what the hell I'm doing anymore.
HUZZAH!notreally
And I thought my romantic life was surreal as a FRESHMAN.
Definitely wrong.
I think a chart is in order.
Or some sort of ORGANIZATION of my thoughts.
So, we've got Fe; our relationship is malleable, for sure, but there are times when it's strong enough to go through anything. Right now, we're having some issues because of lack of time. It melts before our eyes. Summer time is coming though, so who knows. The summer sun will either mold us into something completely unrecognizable or something beautiful.
He does make me happy, even if he can't always be there for me.
if he hurts my feelings by accident. With Hg, I think I'd be safe in that respect.
It's a smart couple, but it kind of seems like it might fit too well.
Not to mention he's leaving after summer is over; going to higher planes in search of the rest of his life.
I really wish I knew what I was doing. I'm staying with Fe; I realize that we might buckle at some point in the future, but I don't know when that will be. As much as I care about Hg, I can't just give up on what I have because he recently discovered latent feelings. It wouldn't be fair.
I love Fe. I care a lot about Hg,
but I can't just leave what I have going on
simply because he's 'never felt this way about any girl'.
It would be ridiculous.
I'm flattered.
I won't leave what I love, as much as my curiosity claws at my heart.
Not always perfectly, but making that attempt.
That's what it is.
Poke-fry rice.
FLINTSTONE VITAMINS make nostalgia taste fruity and dry.
Bust out the Kool-Aid before I start crying
for poke-fry rice.
I drop my gaze.
It grazes the table as it falls to the floor.
With a crash and a bang,
A pang to my heart.
All the little parts
glint a green-glowering glow.
Oh, my poor pupils.
trying to see and understand.
trying to maintain that which they can't see
only from a distance, from a book, from a worksheet
material that they'll never need.
Maybe a Dr Pepper.
Sans period.
'Cause that's what it is.
Sans period.
Without that little dot.
Copyright issues.
Menstrual clots.
period.
No one is going to comment this.
why am I typing this?
Are these words blood flowing from my heart?
NO.
They're just a part of this brain trying to claim that this train of thought
isn't stupid (but it knows it is).
So I should quit.
Maybe now.
Yes, now.
"Thinking of you, wherever you are.
It's some comfort to know that they see the same sunrise I do.
Now, on to what I really want to do.
Talk about my favorite seniors.
Another day in Document Layout & Design, another blog.
This class is so boring! I tried to finish up my Chemistry notebook, but it's uncomfortable trying to balance a chemistry book on my lap and write at the same time. I'm not missing that much, so I might just take the bad grade for once in my life. I don't know though. I think we get extra credit if we have perfect 100s on our notebook grades. I don't know if I still have a B in the class or not, but, if I do, that extra grade would definitely help.
So, yesterday I auditioned for MADE. There was, like, twelve people there, I think. Let's see;
3 cheerleaders
1 BMX guy
1 Samantha
1 Sabrina
1 Derrick
1 Matt
1 Shelby
1 Casey
1 Casey's buddy
1 Moi
~~~~~~~~~
13 people
So I was close! Anyway, so the lady came out and she was like 'Okay, if you chose to become something that you already know how to do a little bit of, change it because we want you to be doing something that you would be totally new at.' so I had to change my application from actress to. . . .
. . . beauty pageant contestant. I know, I sold my soul, I aplogize.
I was the last one to get interviewed which, I think, is a good thing because I'm the last person she's going to remember. So, she looked at me and she was like 'Well, you have nice skin and you're very pretty, so why would it be difficult for you to be in a beauty pageant?'
That was a DUH question to me.
'Well, I tend to talk about girls like that behind their back.'
The way I described myself, I kind of seemed like the bitter, artsy type trying to get my dad to give a damn about what I do, since he really isn't interested in, like, watching Academic Knowledge Team tournaments.
OH, but Carter is SUCH a doll!
He stood by the door before I went in and he was like, "I will be escorting you in!" in his Escort! Carter voice.
It was so sweet of him!!! Of course, the lady asked later if he was my boyfriend.
And I, unfortunately, had to say that he wasn't XD
(That was very sweet of you Cahtah ^_^)
It was a nice interview, I think. I doubt I'll be chosen, but, as Mrs. Gross says, 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained.'
God, I feel disgusting right now. . .
. . .like, I sweat REALLY bad and I had some AWESOME deoderant, but it was super goopy and crap, so I hated using it. I asked my dad to get the solid stuff that wasn't goopy before the stuff I had ran out.
SO, it ran out a couple days ago and now I have to use my crappy deoderant that wears off by first period.
HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. HATE IT. I feel so gross, it isn't even funny. Everyday, as soon as I get home, I hop in the shower, but I still feel just ICK.
I hate being such a sweaty pig.
Well, the school year is almost over you guys! Today was the last day and then we just have exams!
Let's see;
Friday I have a World History exam and then I work for Drama Society painting rooms, cleaning up, all that jazz.
Monday I have my Document Layout & Design exam and then I work for Drama Society.
Tuesday I have my Spanish 2 and Theatre Arts exams and then I work for Drama Society.
And Wednesday, the last day, I have my two hardest exams, Chemistry and PreCalculus (which, if I get a 92 or above on that, I'll have an A for the class which would kick ASS) and then I can GO HOME!
And then, next year, I'll be a junior.
^_^
I feel like I'm getting so old.
But my classes are going to be:
Calculus AP
U.S. History Dual Enrollment.
English 3 College Preparatory
Physics
Theatre Arts 2 - Drama
Theatre Arts 3 - Broadcasting (Cougar Vision)
Spanish 3 Honors
ACT Preparatory
For the ACT Preparatory thing, I'm hoping that if I get a 30 or above, I can drop the class.
I mean, I'd be willing to do it for a SEMESTER, but for an entire YEAR?
The administration must be out of their freakin' minds.
They get funding for good test scores, I know, but if these kids just learn the short cuts to difficult math, it isn't fair that they can get into better colleges and get better degrees to get better jobs. I think that if they don't know how to do the math the long way, they shouldn't be allowed to do the shortcuts.
As much as I love shortcuts, I make sure that I know how to do it the long way too, so I actually get something out of it, you know?
I get so angry with crap like that.
JESUS.
Well, I need to put on some more perfum so I can stop smelling disgusting, so I'll just finish this bloooooooooog. . . . .. . . . .. . .. . . . NOW.
My English paper so far.
A tragedy is defined as a medival narrative typically describing the downfall of a great man. William Shakespeare's CAESAR is an example of this kind of litereature. The main character, Marcus Brutus, serves as the protagonist and plays an important role. Brutus is the tragic hero which is shown by his downfall, his misfortune, his self-knowledge, and the emotions the audience feels at the conclusion.
Firstly, a tragic hero must have status as a noble member of society. Brutus is a praetor, or judge, for Rome and, despite the fact that he is not of royal blood, he is considered to be noble. He will do anything for the good of the people which is evidenced when he says, "If it aught toward the general good/Set honor in one eye and death i' the other/And I will look on both indifferently" (1.2.85-87). Because of his obvious compassion and honesty, the people of Rome trust him. Cassius, who aims to assasinate Caesar, knows this and attempts to convince Brutus that the people want him to be emperor. In order to sway Brutus to his cause, Cassius states,
"And it is much lamented, Brutus,
That you have no such mirrors as will turn your hidden worthiness into your eye,
That you might see your shadow. I have heard
Where many of the best respect in Rome
Today has been such a suck-tastic day.
I was supposed to see Tommy, but that didn't happen because I gave him 30 seconds of attitude, he got pissed, and refused to come over to 'teach my a lesson' or some other kind of bullshnit.
I still need to write that paper for English, but seeing as my eyes are killing me from crying so much, there's no way I'm going to work on it tonight.
Because I've been crying so much, there are little broken blood vessels around my eyes.
Even though I have nauseating cramps, thanks to my menstrual cycle that just decided to show up after being two weeks late, my mom refuses to let me have any more ibuprofen because, apparently, I've been taking it too much.
And, to top it all off, the seniors left today.
They freakin' left.
Coming up soon is a blog dedicated to my favourite people of the class of '08.
This list will include:
Fred
Tori
Jacob
Cammy
Jeremy
Ashlee
Eric
And I'll add more if I can remember anyone else. . ..
God, my eyes are killing me.
I tried so hard to cry myself to sleep, so that I wouldn't have to curl up in bed and wait for him to never call.
I keep getting my hopes up, only to have them crushed into the dust.
Anytime I try, I screw up.
Anytime I don't try, I screw up.
I try and find a medium, I screw up.
There's nothing to it, save for the fact that I keep screwing up.
That's just what I do.
Another Document Layout & Design class. SO much fun, I swear it. Right now I'm just sitting here, bored out of my mind, putting up with Chaz (blech). There's absolutely nothing to do. I SHOULD do my PreCalculus homework, but I can't remember how to do any of it, so I'm just going to wait until Chemistry to do it and hope that Desiree can help me out.
At least the school year is almost over, thank God.
I think I'm going to make a to-do list while I'm here. Just to outline everything I have to do.
1) Clean my room [sometime before Wednesday]
2) Write that paper for English [sometime before this weekend. I want to be able to hang out with ma lover.]
Okay, that was a reallt short outline. But who cares?
That's just for the next week.
I need to start going to tutoring so that I can actually pass PreCalculus with at least a B.
At least I have an A in this stupid computer class FINALLY.
It was a 92 B for the longest time. I just snuck a glance at her computer and saw my grade. That's without all the new work we've done though.
So now I'm waiting for online games to load on these slow computers while quietly wondering why the hell I took this class in the first place. I feel like I'm getting an easy A.
Oh well. I guess we all have to be hypocritical in some way.
I just did a spell-check and it says I spelled 'hypocritical' right, but I don't think I did.
I think it may be hypecritical. . .that doesn't look right either. . . .
Chaz is dumb. He thinks that Mrs. McNeal is going to yell at him for playing games online. What a butt-face. Ruining the fun for everyone else.
I wish I could eat my Cheez-its in here. Too bad we can't eat.
My ovaries hurt.
I'm kind of weirded out actually.
The last time I had my period was late March, during Spring Break. And I feel like I'm getting cramps, but I STILL havne't had my period! I mean, I understand that I've gained some weight, but jeeeeez.
Seeing as I still haven't used my V-Card, I can't be preggers.
Unless, somehow, Tommy used my panties for a nutrag or something. . .ew. . ..
That'd be grrrrooooosssssss.
Okay, Chaz keeps distracting me with his stupid comments, so I'm going to end this blog.
WOW.
Yesterday turned out a lot better than I thought it would. Like, seriously.
So, my grandpa was kind of freaking me out because he was being downright cheerful and I have NEVER seen him like that. After seeing him so merry, I just slunk off to my room to call Tommy and see what was up with him. Talked to him for a little bit, got off the phone with him, and then, after some drama, he called me back, blah blah blah blah
Well, Tommy decided to head to Wolfchase and get pipe (yes, I know, a 19 year-old smoking a pipe. Trust me, it's sexxxxxxy as hell). Daddie and I head out to get some Popeye's chicken (I got to drive!).
I was still pretty emo about not being able to see Tommy and I was going to ask if he would stop by, but he had to get to the mall before it closed. BUUUUT! My daddie called Tommy and asked him to come over after he ran to the mall.
SOOOOOO
I got to see Tommy after all!
He stayed until, like, 11:30, I think. Oh my God though. . . .
. . ..he is so incredibly sexy. I mean, OMFG. Especially with that pipe. OMG, that pipe.
I walked him out to his car and I was sitting in the cardoor frame while he smoked it and JESUS CHRIST.
The aroma, his eyes, his lips, his voice. . .GAH. I had to change my panties, for REAL.
It didn't help he kept biting at my ear and. . .. UGH!
He said he was going to come over today and help my dad and grandpa out back, taming the property, but I don't know. He said he was going to Memphis in May to see the Surge, so he probably won't. Besides the fact that he isn't even up yet, I'll bet money.
But MAN.
I keep thinking back to last night.
Not only did he keep his wits about him around my dad and my grandpa, not only did he impress my grandpa with his knowledge of horses, but he was so INCREDIBLY SEXY.
I'm surprised I didn't get a nosebleed.
He definitely promotes good circulation, I can tell you that.
MAN!
The frustration is DEFINITELY a regular thing.
Jesus.
I am such a fan-girl. That's horrible.
I am so thankful I found him. I really am.
God, I remember the first time we talked on the phone. . .his voice was so deliciously deep, but I was too busy trying to be clever and witty to notice. We talked about Eragon, of all things, and I proclaimed that if I had a dragon, the only proper name for one would be Joey. I don't know HOW I came to that conclusion, but now our joke is that all dragons are named Joey. At some point, his mom was yelling at him to come fix her computer and he started shouting and getting pissed and I was just. . .there. I mean, like, I wasn't freaked out or anything. I think he might have been a little surprised by that. It wasn't that long of a conversation, but MAN.
I guess the reason I'm in such a Tommy fan-girl mode is because he and I have had some drama go down.
Supposedly, his ex-girlfriend, Wesley, thinks that she and Tommy are still dating. I heard this from a trusted friend of mine and, for a little while, I was freaking out and I was determined to get the truth of it.
Not that I thought he would actually be cheating me because I know where is most of the time. Either he's asleep or he's online. That's about it. Besides the fact that Tommy isn't dumb enough to break up with one girl to get with another just to cheat on that other. He just isn't like that, despite what the masses think.
I just wanted to know how this could have possibly happened.
Eventually, Tommy got fed up with me being so suspicious about it and outline the whole thing for me. Plain and simple. He basically said that the drama and the rumors circulating shouldn't have any bearing on our relationship. If someone comes up to him and says 'Hey, I thought you were going out with Wesley?', he'll set them straight. He said that I shouldn't care what other people say and just trust him.
I really need to listen to him more often. He's usually right about things like this. That's why Tommy reminds me of my mom so much. Most of the time, my mom gives me advice and I blow her off because I want to go with my idea. In the end, she's usually right.
Now, I feel light as a feather! The other night, I felt so hopeless. I felt like a terrible girlfriend. I knew that I was causing Tommy grief, but I didn't know how to relieve it.
But I feel like we got it all straightened out yesterday. . .
. . .I love him so much : ]
